Just burn those new leaves over.

God is perfect and whatever God creates is perfect. Living without your mask and living out of the closet only lives out God’s perfection in your own unique way. To hide is to be ashamed of how He has created you. To hate is to disrespect God’s creations.

LGBT Pride Day (:

I can’t think straight, but I’m okay.

We celebrated our first month together cruising inside a mall where I can’t afford to buy anything. Looked at too many things, browsed through too many books. Ate too much popcorn, ate too little a dinner. Watched another stupid movie.

We celebrated our first month together cold inside his car. Got lost way too many times, got stuck in traffic way too long. Got rained in, got wet, and ruined my shoes.

I wouldn’t have spent it in any other way.

And smother me.

And on May 23, 2011, I fell in love (:

So, you might be wondering what happened to my summer blog. Well, it’s not summer anymore? I actually forgot about it for a while, like many of my other blogs before. What’s new. But it’s still there, you can go check it out. It has about.. 5 posts?

The first semester of my final year as a Fine Arts student in Ateneo has finally begun. I have a very light load of 12 units — which means I only have 4 classes: Philosophy, Theology, Portfolio Development (elective), and my Thesis class.

You know what, I’m not really in the mood to write.

Here comes the sun!

I’ll be nesting here during the summer. Be back soon
fourfortytwo.wordpress.com/

This song is meant to keep you from doing what you’re supposed to.

I want to look forward to something again. I think it’s been a while since that happened and maybe I feel that I’m due for something amazing. It takes a lot of my energy to throw away these thoughts ’cause it’s a kind of assumption, an expectation. Come to think of it, waiting is a kind of expectation. You wouldn’t be waiting if you weren’t expecting anything, right? You wouldn’t be waiting for anything if you didn’t think it would come sooner or later. So all this time, I’ve been waiting and assuming and expecting. It’s something I never wanted to do and I guess somehow, everyone’s been waiting and assuming and expecting for something.

It makes my chest heavy, whenever I bring up thoughts like these. It takes so much of my time since whenever I start thinking about it, I can’t do anything else but entertain these thoughts. I can’t swallow and keep them down long enough to start and finish anything else.

I feel so hypocritical. Just a few days ago, a friend of mine went up to me in one of her saddest states and told me that she doesn’t believe in love anymore. Her heart got broken once again and she said said it has happened so many times that she’s losing hope. I told her not to lose hope and to keep believing. She doesn’t have to be looking for love or expecting for love to happen to her, she just has to be okay. I told her a story from a talk held by my Theology class last semester: one found love when she didn’t need it. She was at a stable state and she was happy. I distinctly remember her saying “when I felt complete, that’s when love came to me.”

All the couples in that talk said amazing and inspiring things and I held on to the things they said — they were able to make concrete what we see in movies or hear in stories. I feel hypocritical because I guess it feels like I’m losing hope. Even if they were able to tell us their experiences, not just stories, it still feels impossible to me.

I’m the kind of person who wants to feel like I’m affecting people. If what I’m doing isn’t affecting anyone, I don’t think it matters anymore. Like tickling, maybe. Why keep attempting to tickle if the person isn’t laughing or fighting against it anymore? It becomes tiring, it becomes awkward, it becomes meaningless.

Maybe I don’t feel complete yet. Or maybe here I am, expecting yet again.
I’ve accepted that I’m not affecting him as much as I thought I was and I won’t be able to affect him soon. And it’s here that I’ll admit that I’ve accepted my fate in all bitterness. Showing bitterness is a weakness and I never want to show that I’m weak ’cause I know most of the time I am. I’m easily affected and I’m easily brought down. I’m weak. And I’m tired.

How’d you make your way to me?

And 2010′s about to end.
I decided to read my year-ender entry last year and damn, it’s been one eventful year. I looked forward to so many things then and I’m sure my 2009 self wouldn’t be disappointed with everything I’ve experienced this year.

And I still don’t want to look back. I’m here to write a looking forward entry once more.
Looking back is for people who think they are dying, people who have nothing to look forward to. I know I can still look forward to so much more and I will. 2011 has so much in store for me, I’m sure.

I’m definitely one of those crazy pessimists but it’s every start of a new year that the optimist in me dances and prances around. I don’t know what I’m looking for in 2011 but I’m looking forward to great life, love, friends. My optimist self has a lot of work to do to keep reminding me of that.

Oh little darling, don’t shed no tear. (No Woman No Cry -Bob Marley)
It’s been said many times and I’ve admitted it more than enough: I cry easily. No song is going to stop me from crying, I’m sure of it so here — I’m looking forward to a year of tears but not of regret or sadness but of thankfulness. I’m looking forward to sharing my year with the best people in my life.

Not a matter of choice, just a matter of time. (Shoulder to Shoulder -Little Joy)
I’m looking forward to another year to stretch my patience, another year of ignoring my tired muscles. I know everything I’ve worked for will pay off soon enough so there’s no reason I should stop. Keep calm.

I don’t ever tell you this distance seems terrible. (Swiss Army Romance -Dashboard Confessional)
I’ve felt it before and I don’t ever want to feel it again. I never want to feel growing apart from anyone. I’m looking forward to a year made for better and closer relationships.

So, I call you on the tin can phone. (Summer Romance -Incubus)
Not only looking forward to better and closer relationships, but new ones as well. I’m looking forward to meeting new people and gaining new friends!

And we’re still out at 10 in the evening. (We’re Not a Football Team -Minus The Bear)
I’m looking forward to another 365 days to spend and waste with the people who mean the most to me. I’m looking forward to late nights, to conversations about nothing, to early mornings.

I fell in love with the dream that I built of you. (Man on the Side -John Mayer)
I will keep on dreaming this 2011, keep my hopes high and expect the best from people. I know it’s probably wrong to keep doing this but I’m looking forward to strengthening my trust on people and learning to live with those who lost and broke it.

Remember to let her into your heart. (Hey Jude -The Beatles)
Marlo said it in her stat and I couldn’t agree more: no regrets, just love (:

It’s just so easy when the whole world fits inside of your arms. (Banana Pancakes -Jack Johnson)
This is my feel good song and with this song, I’m looking forward to a feel good 2011! I’m looking forward to a year filled with more than just happiness.

If I should be so bold, I’d ask you to hold my heart in your hand. (If It Kills Me -Jason Mraz)
I’m entering 2011 with fear and crazy anticipation but I’ve decided to enter with no hesitation. The line should not be interpreted literally, though take it as literally as it applies to you. To me, this line says something about more than just love or the intent to fall in love. It’s a push to be bold, to stop hesitating, and to just go. I’ve said it many times as the year was ending and I’m going to use it to remind myself every single day: too much time is wasted on sleeping and hesitation. And I’m not about to waste my 2011.

Hello, 2011!
2010 Jeki wishes 2011 Jeki good luck! Don’t be scared now (:

Thank you, you who have wasted so much time with me doing nothing and actually enjoying the company. You who have driven me home without being asked (or when asked). You who have helped me whenever I’ve hit the floor. You who have given me the softest and most comforting hugs. You who never refused to hug me. You who have sat by me when I didn’t want to talk. You who have listened to me when I spent too much time talking. You who have supported me even in my wrongest decisions. You who have corrected me. You who have done the stupidest things with me without regret.

Thank you, you who have been part of my 2010. Thank you for making my 2010 meaningful. I’m looking forward to seeing you and being with you for the rest of the years to come (:

So, hurry up and get here.

Every Christmas season, I write down a Christmas wishlist. I thought maybe I should just make one wishlist for, I dunno, FOREVER. For every occasion, all year long. Kind of like a Bucket Wishlist, or something. I would save a lot of time thinking up things I can’t afford haha

And since I want to try being organized, I’ll be labeling this list.
So, here it is: my buhay-burgis wishlist.

BOOKS
1. Eating Animals -Jonathan Safran Foer
2. Beatrice and Virgil -Yann Martel
3. Brida – Paulo Coelho
4. The Winner Stands Alone -Paulo Coelho
5. Salmonella Men on Planet Porno -Yasutaka Tsutsui
6. The Elephant Vanishes -Haruki Murakami
7. Fight Club -Chuck Palahniuk (I lost my copy!)

ARTSY FARTSY
1. Blank notebook
2. Unruled planner
3. Leone 0.38 Pens

MUSIC
1. Acoustic Guitar (Audrey has to retire :< I don't really care about the brand, just as long as it's made well)
2. A hefty supply of picks

CAMERA ACCESSORIES (aka things you probably won't get me 'cause you can't afford them, too)
1. Nikkor 35mm 1.8
2. Nikkor 50mm 1.8
3. Nikkor 18-200mm
4. Ring Flash
5. Lomo: The Golden Half
6. Lomo: LCA+
7. 35mm Slide Film (any brand would do!)

OTHERS
1. PUG :<
2. Black digital watch
3. Napoleon Dynamite’s glasses

I never actually get to ask for these things in real life, so I just list them down. I'm too shy to ask people for those things and frankly, I like trying to earn the money and buy those things by myself. But, I dunno. MAYBE you really want to give me something but don't know what, here's your go-to list HEHE

And now, to divert to things that actually matter.
I'm tired. It's been a very stressful few weeks for me, with regards to org matters and academic matters. I haven't been getting enough rest, I've been forgetting to eat lunch, and I don't think I'm getting enough water in my system. I've skipped a couple of classes to finish the issues we've been having in this project I'm currently heading and I really feel that I haven't been trying hard enough to get proper grades. I haven't been taking care of myself.

Sometimes, I feel like I've dipped myself too much into a lot of things. I feel like I've lost myself at times. I can't wait for the Christmas break — it's about time I go back to myself. But you know, I'm really thankful for the people who have been part of this year: people I've just met and people I've grown closer to. Life has easily been made, well, easy.

‘Cause you keep me coming back for more.

I forgot something in that list that I really, REALLY want to do!

5. Shoot in film! Even just using my toy camera. Maybe buy a new one (if I find a way to earn some money during the sembreak).

Alright. Retreat in a few hours (:

 

Think fast before they say that I love you.

Okay, hm.

I just got my brand book and standards manual printed. Can I just tell you how happy I am to finally be over with part one of Parker? I was supposed to resubmit one of our projects but I’m just too tired and too antsy for the sembreak. I want to start waking up at 6am with nothing to do. I want to complain about being bored. I want so much time in the world.

My previous entry was supposed to be a list of things I promise to do during the sembreak. Um. So, here it is.

1. Run, run, run! I started running again this year with a couple of orgmates but because of the demands of my course, I had to stop. I told Sir JC Capuno, my first year InTAC adviser, that he’s my witness to the promise of getting back into running shape by the end of the sembreak. I told my brother I’ll teach him how to run marathons so there, I have a buddy! I’m planning to start running on Sunday (:

2. Sketch more. I’m going to buy a new pocket sketchbook this weekend ’cause I’ve used most of the pages of my current one for my FA drafts. I want to be able to track my progress in improving and discovering my style. And, well, I’d have a lot of time during the silent retreat for it!

3. Take more photos, build an online portfolio. I want to have an internship somewhere during the summer break and I actually want to have a good portfolio to show when I apply.  I probably still won’t post edit but eh, it’ll make me learn more, I think. I think I’ll just post here. I’ll try to post a photo for every entry.

4. Harmonica, guitar more! I might have forgotten my musicality. It’s a crazy, crazy realization.

Hm. I think I’ll stop there. I think I’m thinking that the sembreak is really long. I think.

Oh, so much thinking. I’m so glad this sem is over. I want to sleep and not worry that I might not wake up in time. I want to sleep without feeling that I left something unfinished. NOW IS THE TIME.

I sleep. Good night.

 

I was a killer, was the best they’d ever seen.

Right now, I’m just too tired to finish my FA finals. I want to do something else so here I am back to my first love, writing. I guess this entry is pretty similar to the previous one: another complaint about FA.

How am I supposed to fall in love with this if it keeps asking so much from me? Well, I am sort of at fault for starting this just this week but I really had no choice. I was clashing too much with my first client so I had to change and start over. I didn’t have time to start during the weekend because I had to study for my Theo and Philo finals, both on Monday — morning and afternoon respectively. Those final exams aren’t the kind you can study for just the night before. It took me a whole sleepless weekend to study for both — and it wasn’t enough. Thankfully we got a B on our Philo group orals, not sure what I got for Theo but damn, I’m just glad it’s done!

Those are by far my favorite subjects taught by probably my favorite professors: Father Adolfo Dacanay and Sir Jope Guevara. I probably got the lowest grades this semester from those classes but that doesn’t necessarily mean I didn’t learn a lot. I learned a lot of things and those grades, whatever they may be, are worth it.

You know those classes you take and think, “how the hell is this useful to my life after school?” Not one of them. I’ve only consciously found and became comfortable with my spirituality recently and those kind of religious things don’t apply to my religious life. Even though that’s been said, the things I learned from them are never just preachings about God or what not, never just a lifting from Dead Poet’s Society.

It was more of Father Dacanay opening us up more to the world, how things are viewed nowadays not only by the church but by majority of the people. I was a skeptic back in highschool. I’ve admitted to one of my closest friends in Ateneo that I’m having a hard time believing in God because my mind runs on logic more than faith. But even then, I liked having a religion. It’s comforting to know someone is more powerful than anything I could imagine whenever I’m feeling weak — whenever I’m in my worst days. I didn’t become comfortable with my spirituality in Theo131, no. I’m thanking my org for that. Father Dacanay’s class showed us a view of the church through the usual people, not in the eyes of a religious man. He dumbed it down without diluting the meaning, he showed us how most of the time the church teachings aren’t unreasonable.

It was more of Sir Jope sharing his life with us and how we can open ourselves up to the world just as easily as he can to us. During his lessons, he always gave examples from his own experiences. By doing that, he made Philosophy something that can be part of our lives. He didn’t make it feel like it’s something we should constantly study. I guess I should take back what I said about it not being similar to Dead Poets Society but if that movie had Carpe Diem or O Captain, my captain, Philo101 with Sir Jope had lundagin mo, beybeh or danasin mo. I used to laugh at either line whenever the upperclassmen were saying it in all seriousness. And now I understand.

I was supposed to write about something else. And I still want to continue writing. But I want to be over and done with this final project so I could just rest and eat (real food) and drink tomorrow (or to-) night.

I’m leaving this unfinished, I know. Almost 4am, though. Still have a few more designs to make.

Mamaya, pangako.